I was on chat tonight after watching the movie Devil. I wasn’t drunk or on an mind altering drugs. I was just a bit loopy and my mind tends to exude crack when loopy. We got onto a weird conversation about my depressed uterus. OK I admit it, I started the conversation because a girl on chat didn’t know what a penor was. (A penor is a penis, PENIS! PENIS!!!!!!! ok if you didn’t see 500 Days of Summer you won’t get the penis reference)
Anyway, i got loopy and my mind exuded crack and words just started flowing. But as I think back about what I said, I realized this is the perfect mother daughter womanhood talk. So here it goes:
Daughter (age7 since girls are getting their periods earlier and earlier I shall just say the girl i 7 because it makes perfect sense): Why am I bleeding out of my pee pee area. I don’t think I cut myself.
Mom: oh honey no. you didn’t cut yourself. you are now a woman. You are now joining the many millions of girls that become women.
Daughter: but why is there blood?
Mom: Oh honey that is just your uterus’s…
Daughter: my Utero-whatso?
Mom:*sighs cause daughter is retarded and dragging out this stupid life lesson* YOU-TER-US. Uterus. The place where babies are baked in for about 9 months until they are ready.
Daughter: I’m an oven?
Mom: NO YOU MORON. Let me finish ok. *silence* ok. You uterus is like an oven. that prepares itself to grow the baby. But you need to understand your uterus is a greedy and naggy bitch that it will prepare itself each month. For example, you will have tender sore breasts that the slightest touch will make you want to rip off your boobs and throw them in the trash, you will have back pains because obviously you need to learn the type of pain you will have while bearing this child. So, you may feel nauseous or completely craving certain foods that will make you so extremely fat and guilty afterwards, after you just ate it. But as this is all happening your uterus is just making your oven all nice and cushion because the baby will be there for about 9 months and with tall that bouncing around you will be doing it needs to make that home safe and secure.
Daughter: But I don’t have a baby yet.
Mom: I know honey. But your uterus is a naggy and persistent bitch that will want a baby every month for at least the next 45-50 years. But when it finds out you are not pregnant your uterus will become depressed and will cry blood out of your pee hole area because of the non-baby.
Daughter: Will my uterus stop crying? When will it stop being depressed?
Mom: Your uterus will check each month if there is a baby. IF there ISN’T a baby in the womb then it will cry tears of blood for the next 5-7 days unless it is really depressed and need to cry for an extra 2-7 days. Sometimes you will see big Globular things fall out when you are taking a shower or about the flush the toilet. Don’t worry about that. That is just a big snot rocket your Uterus blew out because it was crying so hard. Your uterus will eventually stop nagging about wanting a baby because it realizes that you will forever be a spinster or you are just useless and it will refuse to cry over your non-baby making skills. Hence the Crying and depressed Uterus will just want to live on and not think about babies. And in it’s own way of revenge will start to give you hot flashes and you will develop some schizophrenic like behavior because of mood swings. But you are young and so is your uterus. It doesn’t know the long period of non wanting babies will last. But eventually like an abused woman will leave her abusive man, your mentally abused Uterus will leave you and no longer be depressed.
Daughter: Gee mom, that…I don;t want a uterus. I want to be a boy.
Mom: tough luck Susie Jean….you are a woman now. A woman with a depressed uterus. So get those tissues.
I hope this will help you young mothers or future mothers on how to discus the bird’s and bees with your young girl, because in a heartbeat they are no longer the depressed free uterus they once were.