The Sex Talk

I am at work today thinking about sex. Not the fact that I haven’t had sex in a while, but the fact that my friend, oh let’s just call her “Mrs. BONES”, had some off the chain sex the other day that is causing her to walk like a cowboy does after a three day long pony express mail trip.

ANYWAY, it’s not so much that she just had sex, but the fact that she “claimed” she was going over there innocently just to take a shower. I mean really, what person just goes over to another person’s house that they have been flirting with pretty heavily just to take a “shower”. Granted she did have a legitimate reason (water pipe broke), but think of it from a man’s point of view. “This girl flirts with me, I flirt with her and she calls me out of ALL her friends to take a shower at my house. Better go buy some condoms, I’m getting my Afternoon delight”. So of course sex was going to happen. She wanted it, subconsciously her mind was steering her towards that, after all she did make the call.

This made me laugh of course, because everyone saw this coming even if she didn’t. On the surface it was innocent to her, but deep down she wanted to be tossed around and bent side to side and into a pretzel. So Kudos for The boning “Mrs. Bones”. It was good ol’ off the wall, side twisting, orgasmic walk like a cowboy afterwards sex.

Was I jealous, of course. I wanted my sex, but I just couldn’t have sex with this guy I was seeing. Granted we did other things besides the “deed”. But because my body physically said NO to this guy, he dropped me via text the next night. What a fucking asshole piece of shit eating dirtbag mother kissing slobbering…wait sorry, ill bring it back now. He was a jerk. But what does he do almost a month later after his “I’m sorry I can’t do this relationship. My life is too hectic and i just won’t have time to be in this relationship” bullshit? He texts me on the day before Christmas Eve and out of the blue tell me “ Hey Dee its Fizzy (changed his name), Just wanted to wish you Merry Christmas and Hope All is well with you 🙂

HE HAPPY FACED EMOTICONED ME!!! like really? what did you want me to say? What did he EXPECT me to say. I waited a day to respond. Should I be snarky, bitchy, rude, indifferent? I wanted to give it to him and say STFU you ass. But me being me, I just said “Thanks. You too.” That was all. I didn’t emoticon his ass. He wasn’t special enough for it. So I left if off. Short, to the point. I mean, I shouldn’t be terribly upset. We weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. We just started dating. Was I upset at his reason for ending whatever we were at that point, but should I hold a grudge? Nah. I’m a bigger person than that. But now I am wondering what he wants. Ok, I know what he wants and I won’t give it to him. I just want to HEAR him say what he WANTS or EXPECTS after a month of nothing and BAM a Merry Christmas to ya type of thing. Whatever. As of this moment, my mind is focused on this other “potential” relationship. If this potential develops into a relationship, my ass will not rush into anything. I’ve learned my lesson. Faster you move, most likely it will be doomed. MOST LIKELY, not all of the time, but usually.

And this rationale made me think about all the talks you have when you are a teenager. Talks from your parents/after school special shows, TV shows, educational blah blah blah. They always say “Never sleep with a guy because he says he will love you more or it will bring you closer. Chances are he will drop you the next day” or something to that effect. AND IT’S TRUE. Honestly, girls set the standard. They set the rules. Not the guys. The guys can wait. If they can’t and they drop you, all better for you because you know he was an ass and not the one for you. Sure it will hurt because he left, but why would you want to get involved with a guy that acts that way and get heavily emotionally involved with this person if he treats you this way? You don’t. So cry about it, then get over it.

But this also made me think about the sex talk my mom gave me. It’s “special” to say the least. I actually think all girls need to follow it. Her advice was, and this is pretty much verbatim, “Boys have a pole girls have a hole, boys stick it in the hole and go *ehn ehn* and make you pregnant, so no sticking in the hole unless he wears a bag”. Now you see how I can remember it verbatim. She also had a visual to go along with it. Pretty much this was the visual:

But as she told me this, she was like, you shouldn’t sleep with a guy right away, cause he will just see you as a slut and will use you. She told me this at 12 & again at 32. So as much as I hate to admit it, even with her remedial & stunning visual explanation about sex, she was right. I still haven’t told her she was right ’cause I have too much pride, but she was right. So I take that lesson from her and my past experiences and make sure not to make the same damn mistake again.


3 thoughts on “The Sex Talk

  1. Oh helloooooooo Ms. Boney deBonester!
    Am totally jealous of the pretzeling, btw.
    Peoples needs to gets their jiggy on!

    …so I hope you’ll be a little more informative than your mom on the sex talk.
    I mean, the things that really scare kids are extremely gross pictures of gonorrhea and syphilis (my mom didn’t do that, but my friend and I have had several draft-sex-talks in the past years to figure out which would be the best to do to our kids).
    Also, the whole ‘pregnancy’ thing.
    But I guess you turned out okay, so it at least worked out fine.


    • ahahaha, its funny cause i can’t believe i remember that sex talk verbatim. My dad’s talk to me,”If you date before you are 17 i will chase the kid with a bat or a shotgun. Whatever is closer. Once you are 18 you can do whatever, whomever,whenever you want. As, long as you are in my house, my rules. Don’t like, get out.”

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