Tit for Tat, I do that.

Tit for tat is an English saying meaning “equivalent retaliation”. When it comes to relationships, this type of strategy is not really effective unless you just want to keep hurting the other person because they hurt you. But if you want the relationship to bloom, one needs to not do that. I for one am one that tends to do this Tit for Tat shit. I just find it easier that if someone hurts me, I return a jab in their direction or not even acknowledge what they said bothers me. I’ve always tried to mask my emotions or hide them. Counter productive I know, but I felt if they hurt me I need to hurt them back. But I want to be able to look at any person I am with or attracted to and not feel hurt. Not feel like I have to hurt them. Not feel like we have to hurt each other. Cause there are times after I realize what I do, I feel like the lowest person ever. I’m not enjoying myself when I do this nor when I feel like I’ve been slighted.

I NEED to stop giving into the urge to counter attack. One day at a time I suppose. Reflecting at the end of the day. Make sure I start the next on a good note and try to be a good person without hurting anyone. Because that isn’t me. I don’t want to be that person. Ever. I want to smile more and  not cry. However, in order to do this, I know I need to let people in more. But that is another fear I have because I feel if they know more about me they will run, change their view on me, or just use it against me to hurt me. I’ve had to build up this wall because for so long I have been unhappy with myself physically and anytime I would date a guy it wouldn’t be that long because I feel it was never for something more than just some fun. Then leave me for someone prettier, more in shape.

I maybe had a chance to have 2 serious relationships but I ended those after about 3 months. Both of which were when I was heavier than I am now. All of my superficial relationships or flings have been after I lost all my weight. I think I know why it has been just a lot of superficial. It just hurts to say. I can say I’m not slutty, but obviously my actions have said otherwise. I can say I want something more, but obviously I build a wall up that I refuse to let anyone I truly care about, in. I suppose when I do this, they really don’t want to know anything more about me. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never asked them. I’ve only talked to one ex about what went wrong and he just basically said I wasn’t confident. I am a “sweet girl but I was so unsure about myself”.  Well after years of being beat down emotionally it does take time to build yourself back up, especially when you have your own family members make constant jokes. But what do I do in return????? Yup I take jabs back at them. Tit for Tat. Not the greatest thing to do, but at the time it seemed legit.

I want my wall to come down. But my fear is when it does not a single person will be there when all the bricks are finally broken. I’ll be there alone, crying.