Going through the motions of trying to have no emotions

Everything is so mundane. Just when something seems like a great possibility it comes crashing down. I put so much faith in people handling my heart that I just get it handed back to me bruised and beaten. I grow ever more cynical of even trying to find someone worthy of giving my heart to that I find it ok to just completely close myself off to anyone. I fall head over heels for someone but they usually end up being a player or they get what they want and they just end up no longer talking to me or completely leaving me. So what do I do now or find myself doing more and more? I close myself off to people. I pull back. I no longer want to try. Sure I have my friends. I see them meet loves and have love. I sit here envious. I sit here glassy eyed. I sit here pushing down the hurt and the realization that with every day passing by and every birthday that goes by, I am still alone. No boyfriend. No husband. No family. No one to love me back.

I am alone. I am slowly accepting the fact that I will die alone. I mean I know we all die alone, but i will most likely die alone without every truly loving someone or having someone ever love me.

Eyes are glassy now with tears I’m fighting back. This is the first step in actually trying to numb myself. To just go on with life not truly being here, but just being a shell. I’m good at faking though. No one needs to see me like this. It is weakness when they see me like this. Someone crying out for someone just to love me if even for a day. But that won’t happen.

I am an empty shell.