Tit for Tat, I do that.

Tit for tat is an English saying meaning “equivalent retaliation”. When it comes to relationships, this type of strategy is not really effective unless you just want to keep hurting the other person because they hurt you. But if you want the relationship to bloom, one needs to not do that. I for one am one that tends to do this Tit for Tat shit. I just find it easier that if someone hurts me, I return a jab in their direction or not even acknowledge what they said bothers me. I’ve always tried to mask my emotions or hide them. Counter productive I know, but I felt if they hurt me I need to hurt them back. But I want to be able to look at any person I am with or attracted to and not feel hurt. Not feel like I have to hurt them. Not feel like we have to hurt each other. Cause there are times after I realize what I do, I feel like the lowest person ever. I’m not enjoying myself when I do this nor when I feel like I’ve been slighted.

I NEED to stop giving into the urge to counter attack. One day at a time I suppose. Reflecting at the end of the day. Make sure I start the next on a good note and try to be a good person without hurting anyone. Because that isn’t me. I don’t want to be that person. Ever. I want to smile more and  not cry. However, in order to do this, I know I need to let people in more. But that is another fear I have because I feel if they know more about me they will run, change their view on me, or just use it against me to hurt me. I’ve had to build up this wall because for so long I have been unhappy with myself physically and anytime I would date a guy it wouldn’t be that long because I feel it was never for something more than just some fun. Then leave me for someone prettier, more in shape.

I maybe had a chance to have 2 serious relationships but I ended those after about 3 months. Both of which were when I was heavier than I am now. All of my superficial relationships or flings have been after I lost all my weight. I think I know why it has been just a lot of superficial. It just hurts to say. I can say I’m not slutty, but obviously my actions have said otherwise. I can say I want something more, but obviously I build a wall up that I refuse to let anyone I truly care about, in. I suppose when I do this, they really don’t want to know anything more about me. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never asked them. I’ve only talked to one ex about what went wrong and he just basically said I wasn’t confident. I am a “sweet girl but I was so unsure about myself”.  Well after years of being beat down emotionally it does take time to build yourself back up, especially when you have your own family members make constant jokes. But what do I do in return????? Yup I take jabs back at them. Tit for Tat. Not the greatest thing to do, but at the time it seemed legit.

I want my wall to come down. But my fear is when it does not a single person will be there when all the bricks are finally broken. I’ll be there alone, crying.

Some people have luck in love

Unfortunately, that group doesn’t involve me. I really do not know what it is. I fell for a guy that I was sexually attracted to, but I jumped head first into that relationship and when that didn’t work out he basically called off our pseudo-beginning-dating-thing via a text message at 3am. I love how I pick these guys. Even though I said I was over him, I still couldn’t stop thinking about him because….I really don’t know why.  But I never talked to him again. It just really turns out he was a jerk. An asshole. Alpha Male that turned my Alpha Female personality into a Beta. I admit, it turned me on, but he was not good for me.

About 5 months later, I started dating this one guy. He lived a bit far from me, almost an hour and 20 minutes. I don’t do long distance. I work too much and I’m not the type of person that likes to be around my “loved” one 24/7. I’ve always been more independent in that area. So we met and had dinner at a very nice restaurant. I even wore my 5 inch stilettos. They weren’t the “Eff’ Me” shoes, but they were the “I’m making an effort because I’m deeply interested in you” type of shoes. He was amazingly sweet. A great personality. Decent in the looks department. He wasn’t my typical guy I’d go for, but we just had such a great time at dinner.

When dinner was over, we stepped outside to go to our cars (they were at opposite ends of the lot). When I was saying goodbye, he literally caught me off guard by leaning in and said “you have something on your mouth.” I really thought I did, because who says that line? As he kissed me, I felt obligated to kiss him back. I mean I was just thrown. I was never given that line. I was having this inner dialogue with my brain about what was occurring at that moment in time. “OMG did he just say that? Did he just use that cheesy overused Hollywood romantic comedy line? Oh he kisses ok, a bit on the wet side.” JESUS BRAIN shut up and just go with it. AND I DID. Tthen we parted and I walked to my car at the OTHER END OF THE PARKING LOT, in STILETTOS. That long walk back 2 things popped in my head.

  1. Did that just happen that way? WHUUUUUUUT?!
  2. Please don’t break your ankle in these heels cause that would NOT be cute.

Number 2 didn’t happen, thank god. But my cynicism in romance made me laugh all the way home. My hands were over my mouth as my fingers kept touching the spot he told me I “had something” on.

The next day I was still replaying the night before, when I got a text to go to the Phillies game. I said of course! Let me give this guy another date because I didn’t know if anything was there. I was doing the opposite of everything I used to do, because maybe that would work. So as we got to the game, we walked hand in hand. Laughed. Joked. Waited in the concourse for the rain delay to be over. We hugged. Kissed. Laughed some more. It was nice.

But then a red flag went up. Near the end of the game we were talking nonchalantly. And on the Jumbo Screen I saw this kid dancing. I said “my kid will have no rhythm” he then said “Well if we have kids together they will have some”. HOLD UP! WAIT, backtrack a bit. Second date and you thought about babies with me? As in you thought about us being exclusive right now? As in you thought about a future? As in…commitment now?! Yeaaaaaah, no. Not in my book yet. YET.

Granted I do want a relationship. I know I have issues but, seriously, this talk this soon? I wasn’t even thinking of just dating him. I wanted to still go out with other guys. But apparently, he seemed to be way more into me than I into him. But I kinda brushed that statement aside. As freaked as I was, whatever, right? When he dropped me home, we sat in the car for a bit. I told him “thank you” and kissed him. CLOSED MOUTH. However, he reached around me and just BAM!!!!! Slipped the tongue in. All forceful and shit. Like WTF dude. Boundaries. BOUNDARIES! But my fault, I didn’t say anything and I just let it go, but then I pulled away, because, well he just wasn’t that great of a kisser. WAY too wet. I went inside and my brain just started talking again. It was having an dialogue with my heart. It wasn’t a good dialogue either. They were yelling at each other. My heart was saying, “You aren’t attracted to him, why bother?” My brain was saying “He is such a great guy. Nice. Gentlemanly (to an extent), funny. blah blah blah” this dialogue turned into an argument.

To make a long story short…er. Long story shorter, I really did have trouble sleeping. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue this “thing” we had. But I still talked with him, trying to force myself into feeling something. We even planned to go on a 3rd date to Wheaton Village (glass blowing place) after I told him I’d rather go there than the Art Museum because I’ve never been and the art museum was so…meh. I didn’t care too much for it because I’ve been there a few times. Then one night he texted me before I was going to bed. We texted for about an hour and I fell asleep. The next morning I look at my phone and see this text “Oh I guess you fell asleep. I would love to watch you sleep one night. So cute” This was after he told me he LOVED kissing me, LOVED holding my hand, & LOVED hugging me. At this moment I felt like this was a very Edward Cullen type of thing. He just seemed a bit too obsessive/stalker/weirdo sparkly vamp.

I talked to him about this. I couldn’t let this go. I basically was like we need to talk. He got all worried. Kinda girly like. I told him I would call him later. I asked what time he would be home and he said 6pm. I was like ok I’ll talk to you later tonight. What happens at exactly 6pm?????? HE CALLS ME! I told him I would call him later when I am done eating dinner with my mom at the restaurant. He was like “Oh…ok” all emo like. So when I got home I called him, and was like “Look this isn’t a bad thing, but here is the deal. We only went on 2 dates and it feels like you are rushing it. I like hanging out with you and would like to continue hanging out, but you need to slow your roll on the baby talk, the watching me sleep type thing. It made me all stand-offish because it was only 2 dates. We live a distance away and I don’t know how this would work since we can’t see each other as often. So lets just chill and just hang out a bit before we even talk like that” His response “Oh I didn’t think it was bad. I didn’t think about what I said was even like that. But ok”

So we were cool….I thought. The day before Wheaton Village, I went to Philly with my friend Jess. We went to Chinatown and then she had free passes to the Art museum. We had lots of fun. I bought a tiny cup thing of $4 gummi bears type of fun. lol But when I got home we talked on the phone. He was like what did you do today. I told him. And he tried to pick a fight. As if me going to the Art museum was horrible. He basically said,”How come when i asked you to go to the art museum you were like ‘I HATE ART’ but when she asked you to go you went?” I was floored. Was he throwing a hissy fit? a GIRLY type hissy fit? I told him “We went out to Philly, she had passes, we went to hang out. I never said I hated art, I’ve just been to the museum a few times and wanted to do something I NEVER DID, like Wheaton Village.” Then he was like “Oh well ok. But listen Dee, it seems obvious there is no spark between us. maybe we should just end what we have right now” (Me thinking to myself “WE DON’T HAVE ANYTHING”) I told him,”OK that’s fine.” Wished him the best and hung up. Later that night I went out with my friend Danielle and saw a movie. I was completely over it. He was just WAY too Beta for my liking. I don’t like men like that.

I tried going against my normal ways of dating and yeah, didn’t work. I need my Alpha men. What I did learn from this is that you can’t force yourself to fall for someone. You just need that to happen naturally. I guess I was just envious of everyone around me getting married, having kids, etc., that I felt left out. Sort of like I was so behind. But why try to force what isn’t there. It will come when it comes regardless of your age. I’m going to be 33 this September and I just freaked out. I had my biological clock on the fritz. It’s ok right now. I am just taking my time and trying to figure out what I want in a man and in life. So one day my “true love” will be there, no matter how old I am. I have great friends and a great family. Also, there is a Marine that has caught my eye so I will see what is up with him. SEMPER FI!