The Skin I’m In

For the majority of my teenage years up until now, I have always had a hate/hate relationship with my body. I used to be real skinny and then one day BAM! ADIPOSE!!!!! Well it just seemed that way. I honestly don’t know why or when I started to gain weight, I just did. This didn’t really bother me until I was about 13 or so. Ya know the age where girls start to change and grow boobies and boys start noticing. I wasn’t into boys but I saw how girls got attention. I mean FUCK I had boobs! I started developing when I was 10. Like, what the actual fuck boys, LOOK AT ME!

The more and more I started to think about it, I realized it wasn’t so much about the boobs. I mean it played a huge part, but a lot of the girls were also thin and pretty…..and white. OH YEAH, I threw the race card out there. I’ll get to that in a bit but for now I am just going to talk about the weight issue.

I think I started my first diet when I was about 13. I was on Dexitrim. My mom was totally supportive because as she always said “You have such a pretty face BUT if you just lost weight you could be so much prettier”. Ya, that shit right there. That was said pretty much my whole life. It is one thing to hear it from people that don’t like you because, hell they want to hurt you. However, to hear it from family, especially from a person that gave birth to you? FUCKING HELL!

I would yo-yo diet most of my life. I did the grapefruit, the vinegar, Dexitrim, Vegetarian, Slim-fast, only green food, South Beach,cut calories, Atkins, etc… You name I’ve probably tried it. I never lost more than 20lbs. And I always gained it back. You can pretty much see how my self confidence just fell during these years. I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school. I didn’t have my first boy friend until I was 19. He liked me for the way I was. Which is exactly what every girl/guy needs, to have someone to care for them the way they are; all their faults, imperfections, idiosyncrasies.

Besides the weight issue in school, I do think it was also because no one knew exactly what nationality I was. I never fit it. I didn’t fit in with the white kids cause I was too brown. I didn’t really fit in with the black kids cause I was too light. I didn’t fit in with the Asians because my eyes weren’t slanted enough and I wasn’t a “mainlander”. I didn’t fit in with the Hispanics, cause I just wasn’t Puerto Rican or Dominican or WHATEVERICAN enough. So for me to even identify with anyone was difficult. I would act all different ways just to “try” and fit in. I never really knew who I was unless I was on the track field. I was an athlete. But off the field a “fat what the hell are you anyway” person. I wasn’t at all experience with guys until my 20’s. and at that time I was just searching for anyone to really care for me. Guy or girl.

I don’t consider myself bi-sexual because I am mostly attracted to men. There are some women that I have been attracted to but not to the level of wanting to have a full on relationship. But in my 20’s I just ballooned up bigger and bigger. Financial and family drama made me eat more. LIKE SO MUCH MORE. I remember I used to be able to eat 4 double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s. Fo’ Real people. I was that FAT. But all this emotional trauma just made me more confused about relationships and how to forge anything substantial. I just wanted someone to love me and I wanted to love them back. But I was so scared about what they would eventually think of me that I ended up pushing them away or just had a quick fling and that was it. Not the healthiest way to make serious long lasting relationships.

I still to this day haven’t ever told anyone I loved them. I mean, like love them in that way. Sure I love people as a person and a friend, but I think the day I actually tell that person I love them, it will either be the end or start of me. I don’t know. I’m scared if they know I love them, they will take advantage of my feelings. But in some ways, I am willing to risk it. Love is going all in right? After all, we all deserve to have the person we love, love us back as much as we love them. The quest is finding that person.

To be honest, I am fucking tired of it right now. That is why I am just learning to love me first. I think that is the important thing. Finding self respect in yourself. Loving yourself. Knowing what you want for yourself. Is it hard? Of course it is. There are times I feel like calling up such and such a dude to a quickie to feel loved or wanted. Or just going to a bar with a friend and trying to pick up someone there. But I’m not. To me that is not respecting myself. I just didn’t realize it until I hit my epiphany. That moment of clarity that literally made me stop, think, and have that OMFG moment. From that moment on, I’ve been happier. A clearer mind.

Do I think this moment will stay? No. But I hope it stays. But I know, I and everyone is a constant work in progress. We will all have our ups and downs, the highs and lows, the polar opposite emotional coin. It is what it is. The whole idea is recognizing it and trying not to give in to what makes you upset or sad or cause you to drink or eat too much or whatever you didn’t like about yourself.

Now that I have come to terms with that, I had this epiphany about my own body image. Like I said I
used to be EXTREMELY overweight.. It got so bad I had to have weight loss surgery. It was painful, emotional, physically exhausting and I developed some other unhealthy habits post surgery. Even after I lost the weight I was still beating up myself because I still had the fat person mentality. I still thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone. Even when my dress size went down, I still thought I was a size 26. I’m now a 12/14. I just kept saying, I need to get smaller. I need to be IN A SIZE 8!! I became obsessed. I am cutting my calories, taking diet pills, drinking caffeine shots, exercising and at times I am vomiting. Forcing myself to throw up cause of stress or cause I feel “fat” or I ate too much. This is extremely unhealthy I know. I’m not condoning this. All I am saying is that everyone has their own way they want to lose weight, people will do what they will do. Healthy or not. I told myself that when I lost another 20lbs (which I have) I would start eating healthier. I am still cutting the calories, but I have increased them to about 1300-1500 a day. I am running at least 4 days a week. 2-3 miles a day. I am still on diet pills to cut my cravings but this is a lot healthier for me than what I was doing. I am battling everyday not to throw up, but I will have my moments. At least it isn’t everyday like last year. I vomited so much I put myself in the hospital with a hernia.

I am 25lbs lighter now. I am loving the way I look. Do I want to look better? Yes of course. But I am happy that I look this way now. I dress to show the positives of my body. I’m a thick girl, but I like it..for now. There are many products that will hold in all those extra extras. No one looks perfect. Hell, even when I save up money will I get plastic surgery? YES! It isn’t because of society, it is because I want to feel better. I want to have nice breasts again. I want to have a flat stomach. I am working on it and if this is one way to have it, then I will have it for myself. Not because society says you should look like that. I WANT TO LOOK THAT WAY, but I’m ok right now. I will get to my goal vision of my perfect body. But right now, nobody should tell anyone to just accept the way they look. If they are unhappy change whatever you need to change, mental or physical, about yourself to make yourself feel better.

I am happy with myself right now. I will continue to work at bettering myself. But right now, I am not going to fret. No need to. Just gotta keep working.